this-is-game-changing asked: hey whats up? cool if i add you on xbox?
hey yeah no big deal!
why am i just now having trust issues. why is it that after almost a year together it is just finally showing to me that the flame is gone. you say you love me. you tell me you love me. but all i see is that you love sleeping and you love your computer. i’m depressed too brandon. i just wanna let go. i wanna smoke ten joints and be on cloud nine. because i know that being down on earth just isn’t cutting it. i feel empty. i feel like nothing is going right. and a big part of that is you and i. we have drifted. and the facebook thing didn’t and doesnt and wont help this case. i feel betrayed just as you do. i feel like you’re gonna go hard on me, and i feel like i should make you stop talking to your best friend or whatever she is. but i can’t do that. i won’t. i don’t have the heart to control you. it’s not in my blood. what is in my blood is care. and i care so much for you that it’s breaking me down to practically nothing. i’m fucking lost. dazed and confused. i can’t even imagine if our child were here. i can’t imagine how much better or worse it would be.
i wanted to grow old with you. but if growing old means growing apart. fuck that.. please just reconnect with me like we used to be. even a month ago. it was so much better than it is now.
my heart is in smitherines. i wanna drown my sorrows in whiskey and beer. just ugh.
i never thought that in 10 months i could picture a work place as my home. i’ve completely fell attached to those that i’ve been around for the past few months. they get me. they make me laugh. they’re like family. nathan took me to prom, but not as a date. as a legitimate friend. who does that? most guys will try and get in your pants. but he didn’t. he’s like a brother to me. and whitney and i have had a few fits, but we always seem to make each other laugh. it’s interesting how similiar home life was to work life. sometimes i didn’t wanna go, and i called in a fair share of times. but they never fired me. they got that i wasn’t feeling well, or that i just needed a personal day. and i completely admire that business. i met a man today at the gas station by my house and he told me that he hated his job, and he was so glad that he quit. i’m the complete opposite. i am so sad that i quit. i shed tears, and witnessed tears being shed on my behalf. we were all so close. and i’ll miss them all so much. nothing and no work place will ever be as attached to me as this one. my first real long term job. my first real experience with socializing and strangers. and my first love connection to a new family.
we all are apples from the tree of the dollar. yes i’m gay. but we’re all equal and we all love each other.
RIP sweet weatherford job. it was real.
I feel like nothing i do is ever going to be good enough for you. All i do is try and try and you tell me i don’t care continuously. Im looking but for you. Im trying to help you through every tough time you have. And i still am proclaimed to not care. It hurts. Im restless with emotions running ninty to nothing. All i can do is think of what bad things ill be told tomorrow. Like im a bad girlfriend. Im a horrible child. I’m never going to be good enough. I’ve felt this for my whole life. Maybe im just too dumb to see it. Maybe i really will never be happy. Who knows..
I just want to sleep my life away. And never fucking deal with living again. Waking up and being a failure to the most important person in my life. All i want is for things to be okay. And when i think they are i get a dodgeball full of shit to my face.
:/ just… Ugh
here’s to a restart, and a new road to the future.
from here there will be nothing but steps forward, and positive ingenuity to life ahead. i won’t make the same mistakes i have in the past, and i won’t remind myself of the troubles i’ve caused. although they are life lessons, they will not be dwelled upon as i have done in previous events. so stage one will not be the honeymoon stage as it was in our first coming. this time it will be baby steps. planning ahead, talking through things, and no holding back. actually taking the time out of every day to take advantage of what we share, and what we will shave.
love is a splendid thing. and anyone who has ever fallen in, out, or plans on it in the future, should feel completely blessed. every aspect of a friendship, of a relationship, and a perfect circle of romance is beautiful. those who think that you’re broken, and you can’t move forward, well.. you can. anyone can. and the less time you spend worrying about the wrongs and more time you think of the rights, your life will change drastically. nobody wants a lover who is completely unhappy with themselves.
as i’ve always said, and will continue to say. one cannot be truly happy with another until they are happy with themselves.
you cannot succeed in making another being truly happy until you feel content with yourself. and that’s pretty hard. but once you get there, it’s smooth sailing onward.